Phil Armstrong

Supporting Men Does Not Mean Excusing Violence

Key takeaways

Anger is a normal human emotion. Intimidation, coercion, threats and violence are behaviours.
Men have a role in challenging harmful behaviour in other men.
Stress, alcohol, jealousy, rejection and mental health difficulties do not excuse abuse.
Supporting men requires both compassion and accountability.
Women experience intimate partner violence at significantly higher rates than men.
Men can also experience domestic and family violence and deserve to be taken seriously.
Recognising male victims should never be used to dismiss violence against women.
Counselling can assist with anger, stress and emotional regulation, but violence and coercive control may require specialist intervention.

Help should be sought before an argument or personal crisis becomes intimidation or harm

An honest conversation about anger, accountability, domestic violence and male victims.

Services that support men need to be clear about something: supporting men does not mean excusing intimidation, coercion, control or violence.

Sometimes supporting a man means listening to what he is going through. Sometimes it means helping him manage stress, anger, rejection or relationship breakdown.

Sometimes it also means telling him plainly that his behaviour is frightening, controlling or harmful, and that he needs to take responsibility before someone gets hurt.

Compassion and accountability are not opposites.

Men need access to support without being automatically treated as dangerous but support cannot become a place where threats, intimidation or abuse are minimised, justified or blamed on somebody else.

Men need to challenge men

Government action, policing, courts, prevention programs and properly funded support services all matter.

Men also have a role.

Men sometimes hear things that partners, employers, counsellors and authorities never hear.

We hear how mates speak about former partners after a separation. We see when frustration becomes obsession. We notice repeated messages, jealousy, monitoring, threats or talk of retaliation.

Not every angry comment predicts violence. But obviously concerning behaviour should not be dismissed as relationship drama or written off as somebody simply blowing off steam.

“That is not okay.”

“Stop contacting her.”

“You do not get to control where she goes.”

“Being angry does not give you the right to frighten somebody.”

“Punching walls and breaking things is not harmless.”

“You need help, and I am not going to help you justify this.”

Challenging another man does not always require a public confrontation.

It may mean refusing to encourage revenge, refusing to help him monitor somebody, not passing on unwanted messages, calling out threats or encouraging him to seek professional help.

When somebody may be in immediate danger, it can mean contacting emergency services.

Anger is human. Violence is not.

Anger is not automatically abuse.

It is a normal emotional response that can appear when a person feels rejected, humiliated, powerless, betrayed, disrespected or overwhelmed.

A person can feel intense anger without becoming violent.

The line is crossed when anger becomes permission to frighten, punish, dominate or control somebody else.

Harmful behaviour can include:

Threatening a partner, former partner or family member
Blocking a doorway or preventing somebody from leaving
Smashing objects or damaging property
Driving dangerously to frighten a passenger
Monitoring somebody’s phone, location, accounts or spending
Repeatedly contacting somebody who has asked for space
Threatening suicide or self-harm to prevent a separation
Controlling access to money
Humiliating or degrading somebody
Using children or pets as leverage
Pressuring or forcing sexual contact
Physical or sexual violence

Abuse does not have to leave a visible injury. Domestic and family violence can include repeated behaviour that causes fear, creates dependence or is used to gain power and control.

Does anger cause domestic violence?

Anger by itself does not cause domestic violence.

Many people experience intense anger without abusing anybody.

Domestic violence can involve patterns of entitlement, coercion, intimidation and control. Emotional escalation may be part of an incident, but it does not remove responsibility for the behaviour.

This is why “anger management” is not always a complete response.

A man who struggles to communicate frustration safely may benefit from counselling, emotional regulation strategies and better conflict-management skills.

A man who is already using threats, intimidation, violence or coercive control may need specialist intervention that directly addresses abusive behaviour and accountability.

Those are not always the same problem, even when anger is present in both.

Stress, alcohol and mental health are not excuses

Stress can reduce patience. Alcohol can impair judgement. Poor sleep can make somebody more reactive. Depression, anxiety, trauma and other mental health difficulties can affect emotional regulation.

None of those things creates a right to abuse another person.

These factors may help explain why somebody is becoming more unstable or reactive. They may also reveal where intervention is needed.

Explanation must not become an excuse.

A useful question is not: “What made me do that?”

It is: “What was happening in me, what choices did I make, who was affected, and what must I do differently?”

That is accountability.

What to do when anger is escalating

The objective is not to deny anger. It is to stop an intense emotion from driving harmful behaviour.

Step away before the situation gets worse

Stop the conversation before you become threatening, abusive or physically intimidating.

Use a direct statement: “I am too worked up to speak properly. I am stepping away and will return to this when I am calm.”

Stepping away should create safety. It should not be used as punishment or as a permanent way to avoid resolving the issue.

Create distance without creating fear

Move to another room, go outside or walk somewhere safe.

Do not slam doors, throw objects, stand over somebody or drive aggressively.

A time-out is not helpful if the way you leave is intimidating.

Avoid alcohol when already escalated

Alcohol may temporarily numb discomfort, but it can also reduce inhibition and make poor decisions more likely.

Drinking when already angry is not a reliable way to calm down.

Release physical tension safely

Physical activity can help reduce the intensity of anger, but it should never involve damaging property, frightening another person or rehearsing violence.

Safer options may include:

• Going for a brisk walk
• Running
• Completing controlled gym training
• Stretching
• Slowing your breathing
• Splashing cold water on your face
• Having a shower
• Writing down what happened
• Completing a practical task away from the conflict

Punching walls, hitting objects, smashing property or acting out violent movements is not a safe way to manage anger. It can increase aggression, frighten people nearby and cause injury.

Contact somebody who will challenge you

Speak to somebody who will help you become safer, not somebody who will encourage resentment or retaliation.

A useful support person may say: “I understand you are angry, but you still cannot threaten somebody.”

Remove immediate risks

If your thoughts or behaviour are becoming dangerous, move away from weapons, vehicles, alcohol and the person involved.

Call 000 if anybody is in immediate danger.

Get professional help early

Do not wait for a police response, intervention order, relationship breakdown or injury before taking the situation seriously.

Counselling may help with anger, stress, emotional regulation, communication and relationship conflict.

Read our complete guide to men’s counselling in Australia.

Where violence, intimidation or coercive control are already occurring, specialist domestic violence support may also be required.

Practical support in the moment

When anger is high, people often need a practical way to pause before they make the situation worse.

The free Man Counsellor Support Tools include non-clinical tools for anger, stress, anxiety, grounding, low mood and emotional reflection.

They are designed to help somebody slow down, create distance and choose a safer next step.

Use the Man Counsellor Support Tools online

Download the Android app through Google Play

The support tools are not an emergency service, domestic violence program or replacement for professional care.

Supporting men without defending harmful behaviour

Men may be more willing to speak honestly when they believe they will be treated as people rather than as stereotypes or lost causes.

That does not mean lowering the standard.

A man can be treated with dignity while being told:

Shame alone does not necessarily create meaningful change.

Reassurance without accountability does not create change either.

You remain responsible for what you have done. You may also be capable of changing your behaviour but change requires honesty, action and ongoing accountability.

Male victims must also be visible

Recognising violence against women should not require pretending violence against men does not happen.

According to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, approximately 1 in 4 women and 1 in 14 men have experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner since the age of 15.

The patterns and prevalence are not identical.

Women experience intimate partner violence at substantially higher rates and are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner. Domestic homicide data also shows that male victims are often killed in other family relationships, including by parents, children or siblings.

Men may experience abuse from women or men. They both may also experience domestic violence from parents, adult children, siblings or other family members.

Some male victims struggle to identify what is happening because it does not match the common public image of domestic violence.

Male victims may fear ridicule, disbelief, retaliation or losing contact with their children and are less likely to report .

They too deserve to be taken seriously.

Recognising male victims is not a rebuttal

Male victims should not be raised simply to silence a discussion about violence against women.

That turns real victims into debating tools.

A responsible position is to:

Recognising one group does not require erasing another.

When counselling is appropriate

Man Counsellor provides online and phone counselling for issues including anger, emotional regulation, stress, relationship conflict and major life pressure.

Learn more about Man Counsellor services

Counselling may be appropriate when a man:

Man Counsellor is not an emergency service or a substitute for a specialist domestic violence behaviour-change program.

The Men’s Referral Service provides counselling, information and referrals for men who are using, or are at risk of using, violent or controlling behaviour.

What Man Counsellor stands for:

Man Counsellor supports men.

That includes men struggling with anger, stress, rejection, relationship breakdown and emotional regulation.

It includes men who are concerned about their own behaviour.

It also includes men who may be experiencing intimidation, coercion, abuse or violence themselves.

But support does not mean providing excuses.

Man Counsellor does not support threats, intimidation, coercive control or violence against women, men or anybody else.

The objective is not to defend one sex against another.

It is to reduce harm, increase personal responsibility, recognise warning signs and encourage people to seek help before somebody is hurt.

Final thought

Domestic and family violence is not solved by outrage alone.

It requires effective laws, policing, courts, prevention programs and specialist services.

It also requires ordinary people to notice harmful behaviour, take warning signs seriously and stop protecting it through silence.

Men have a role in that.

We can challenge harmful behaviour without treating every man as dangerous.

We can recognise the disproportionate violence experienced by women without erasing male victims.

We can support a man without excusing everything he has done.

No person should have to live in fear of somebody who claims to love them.

And no man should wait until somebody has been harmed before deciding his behaviour needs to change.

Frequently asked questions

Is anger the same as domestic violence?

No. Anger is an emotion. Domestic violence involves behaviour that harms, frightens, intimidates, coerces or controls another person. Many people experience anger without becoming violent or abusive.

Does anger management stop domestic violence?

Anger-management strategies may help some people regulate their emotions and respond more safely. However, domestic violence can involve coercion, entitlement and controlling behaviour that require specialist intervention rather than anger management alone.

Can men be victims of domestic violence?

Yes. Men can experience physical violence, sexual violence, emotional abuse, coercive control and economic abuse from partners and other family members. Women experience intimate partner violence at higher rates, but male victims remain real and deserve appropriate support.

What are warning signs that anger is becoming harmful?

Warning signs may include escalating jealousy, repeated unwanted contact, monitoring, threats, property damage, blocking exits, aggressive driving, increased alcohol use and making people around you feel afraid.

What should somebody do if they feel close to losing control?

Stop the argument, create distance, avoid alcohol, move away from weapons or vehicles and contact somebody who will challenge the behaviour. Call 000 if anybody is in immediate danger.

Can Man Counsellor help with anger?

Man Counsellor may assist with anger awareness, emotional regulation, stress, communication and relationship conflict. Where violence, intimidation or coercive control are occurring, specialist domestic violence services may also be required.

Is Man Counsellor a crisis or domestic violence service?

No. Man Counsellor is not an emergency or crisis service. Call 000 if somebody is in immediate danger. Men using or at risk of using violence can contact the Men’s Referral Service. People affected by domestic, family or sexual violence can contact 1800RESPECT.