KEY TAKEAWAYS• Grief is not limited to bereavement after a death. • There is no fixed timetable or correct sequence for grieving. • Grief can involve anger, numbness, irritability, guilt and physical exhaustion as well as sadness. • Men may hide grief through work, isolation, alcohol, problem-solving or emotional shutdown. • Grief often comes in waves rather than improving in a straight line. • Feeling better temporarily does not mean you did not care enough. • Grief and depression can overlap, but they are not automatically the same condition. • Professional support may help when grief remains overwhelming, prevents normal functioning or leads to unsafe coping. • You do not have to wait until grief becomes a crisis before speaking with a counsellor. |
Grief is often discussed as though it has a clear beginning, a predictable series of stages and a point where it is finished.
Real grief rarely works that neatly.
You may feel devastated immediately after a loss.
You may feel almost nothing at first and then struggle weeks or months later.
You may function well at work but fall apart when you get home.
You may think you are improving and then be hit by a birthday, photograph, song, location or ordinary routine that brings the loss back sharply.
There is no single correct way to grieve.
Grief is a response to losing someone or something important. It can affect your emotions, thinking, physical health, behaviour, relationships and sense of identity. The experience varies according to the person, the nature of the loss, the relationship involved and the support available.
Grief also does not only follow a death.
You may grieve:
• The death of a partner, child, parent, relative or friend
• The death of a pet
• A relationship breakdown or divorce
• Miscarriage, stillbirth or infertility
• Redundancy, retirement or the loss of a career
• A serious diagnosis or physical ability
• The loss of independence
• A family estrangement
• A friendship ending
• Leaving a community, country or way of life
• A future you expected but will no longer have
The event may be different, but the loss can still be significant. You do not have to justify grief by proving that your loss was worse than someone else’s.
Grief is the response to a meaningful loss. It may involve emotional pain, but it can also affect:
• Memory
• Concentration
• Sleep
• Appetite
• Energy
• Physical health
• Motivation
• Relationships
• Work performance
• Identity
• Beliefs about fairness, safety or the future
Grief is not a sign that you are weak or failing to cope. It reflects that something or someone mattered.
The intensity of grief does not always match what other people expect. A complicated relationship can produce complicated grief. You may feel sadness and relief at the same time. You may miss someone while still feeling angry about how they treated you.
Mixed emotions are not evidence that your grief is wrong.
Grief affects people differently. Some people cry openly. Others become numb, restless, angry or intensely practical.
You may experience:
• Sadness
• Shock
• Numbness
• Disbelief
• Anger
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Guilt
• Regret
• Relief
• Loneliness
• Helplessness
• Resentment
• Emotional emptiness
• Feeling abandoned
• Feeling disconnected from the world around you
Better Health Channel notes that grief can involve sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, numbness, frustration, confusion and resentment.
You may notice:
• Poor concentration
• Forgetfulness
• Confusion
• Difficulty making decisions
• Replaying events repeatedly
• Thinking about what you should have done differently
• Searching for explanations
• Expecting the person to walk through the door
• Feeling unable to imagine the future
• Questioning your beliefs
• Feeling that life has lost its meaning
You may also temporarily think you heard the person’s voice, saw them in a crowd or reached for your phone to contact them.
These experiences can occur because your mind has not fully adjusted to the reality of the loss.
Grief can affect the body.
Possible symptoms include:
• Exhaustion
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Chest tightness
• Nausea
• Changes in appetite
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Insomnia
• Sleeping more than usual
• Reduced immunity
• A heavy or hollow feeling in the body
• Restlessness
• Reduced sex drive
• A racing heart
• Shortness of breath during intense waves of emotion
Better Health Channel recognises that grief may be associated with headaches, nausea, aches, pain and other physical effects.
However, new, severe or unexplained physical symptoms should still be assessed by a medical professional rather than automatically attributed to grief.
BEHAVIOURAL SYMPTOMS
You may:
• Withdraw from family or friends
• Avoid places connected to the loss
• Repeatedly visit familiar places
• Keep constantly busy
• Work excessive hours
• Neglect normal routines
• Stop exercising
• Eat very little or excessively
• Drink more alcohol
• Use drugs to sleep or escape
• Become more argumentative
• Lose interest in hobbies
• Struggle to complete basic tasks
• Keep belongings exactly as they were
• Remove every reminder immediately
• Spend money impulsively
• Take greater risks
None of these behaviours alone proves that something is seriously wrong.
The concern is the pattern, its duration and the consequences it is creating.
Grief in men does not always look like open sadness.
A man may appear:
• Irritable
• Distracted
• Emotionally unavailable
• Unusually quiet
• Focused entirely on practical tasks
• Determined to return to work immediately
• Uncomfortable when anyone asks how he feels
• Angry at minor problems
• Restless and unable to sit still
• Increasingly reliant on alcohol
• Withdrawn from his partner, children or friends
He may say:
“There is nothing I can do about it.”
“I just need to keep busy.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“I need to be strong for everyone else.”
“Talking about it will not change anything.”
“I am fine. I am just tired.”
There may be truth in some of those statements. Talking cannot reverse the loss. Refusing to acknowledge the effect of the loss does not remove it either.
Some men have learned to handle distress by acting rather than speaking. They organise the funeral, deal with the paperwork, support the family, return to work and make sure everyone else is coping.
The practical work can be useful. The problem comes when being useful becomes a way to avoid ever processing what happened.
After a loss, one person often becomes the organiser.
He deals with:
• Funeral arrangements
• Financial matters
• Insurance
• Legal documents
• Family communication
• Property and belongings
• Work notifications
• Supporting children or relatives
He may receive praise for holding everything together. When the practical demands reduce, the grief may finally catch up. This delayed response can be confusing.
You may think:
“Why am I getting worse now?”
Nothing is necessarily wrong with you.
You may simply have been operating in survival mode while the immediate crisis required action.
Bereavement can affect your routines, relationships, identity and assumptions about the future.
The grief may be more complicated when the death was:
• Sudden
• Violent
• Related to suicide
• Connected to a prolonged illness
• Unexpectedly early
• Geographically distant
• Accompanied by unresolved conflict
• Witnessed directly
A separation can involve the loss of:
• The person
• Daily companionship
• A home
• Financial security
• Shared friendships
• Time with children
• Future plans
• Your identity as a partner or family
You may still have contact with the person you are grieving, particularly when children or shared responsibilities are involved.
That can make it difficult to establish emotional distance.
Work can provide:
• Identity
• Structure
• Purpose
• Income
• Status
• Social contact
• A sense of competence
Losing a job or retiring can therefore involve more than the loss of money.
A person may grieve who they were in that role.
A diagnosis, injury or disability can create grief for:
• Independence
• Mobility
• physical confidence
• Sexual functioning
• Career plans
• Sport or hobbies
• The life you expected to have
This grief may be overlooked because the person is still alive.
But the loss is real.
Miscarriage, stillbirth and the death of a baby can create profound grief.
Partners may grieve differently, and one person’s pain may receive more recognition than the other’s.
A man may feel pressure to support his partner while believing he has no right to express his own loss.
Specialist services are available in Australia for pregnancy and infant loss, including Red Nose, Bears of Hope and Pink Elephants Support Network.
For many people, a pet is a daily companion and part of the family.
The loss may affect:
• Household routines
• Exercise
• Emotional support
• Social connection
• A sense of responsibility and purpose
Other people may minimise pet loss.
That does not make the grief insignificant.
Grief can begin before a death or other loss occurs.
You may experience anticipatory grief when:
• Someone has a terminal illness
• A person has advanced dementia
• A relationship is ending gradually
• Your own health or independence is declining
• A major life transition is approaching
Healthdirect advises that anticipatory grief can occur before a loss and that there is no right or wrong way to experience it. Support before the loss may make later emotions easier to process.
You may have heard that grief involves:
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance
These ideas can provide language for some common experiences. They should not be treated as a checklist, timetable or compulsory sequence. You may experience several emotions in one day. You may feel acceptance and then become angry again. You may never strongly identify with one or more of the stages. Grief is not a task you fail because you did not move through it correctly.
The more useful focus is:
• What am I experiencing?
• What support do I need?
• Am I able to function?
• Are my coping strategies helping or harming me?
• Is the grief changing over time?
Grief often comes in waves.
At first, the waves may feel constant. Over time, there may be longer periods where you can work, connect and think about other things.
Then a reminder arrives:
• An anniversary
• A birthday
• A holiday
• A familiar place
• A song
• A photograph
• A family event
• A piece of news you would normally share
The grief may feel fresh again.
This does not necessarily mean you have gone backwards.
It means the loss remains part of your life.
Better Health Channel describes grief as a process rather than a single event and notes that people may continue to grieve in subtle ways over time.
Grief and depression can share symptoms, including:
• Sadness
• Sleep changes
• Reduced appetite
• Low energy
• Poor concentration
• Withdrawal
• Loss of interest
• Difficulty imagining the future
They are not automatically the same.
Grief is usually connected to a specific loss.
The emotions may come in waves and be triggered by reminders.
You may still experience moments of humour, connection, comfort or enjoyment.
Your thoughts may focus mainly on the person, relationship or life that was lost.
Depression may spread across most areas of life.
The low mood, numbness or lack of interest may be present most days.
You may begin viewing yourself as worthless, hopeless or a burden.
Enjoyment may become difficult even when you are not actively thinking about the loss.
Depression can develop during bereavement.
A person should not assume that every symptom is simply grief when they are becoming increasingly hopeless, unable to function or unsafe.
Depression vs Low Mood: Signs, Symptoms and What to Do
https://blog.mancounsellor.com.au/depression-vs-low-mood-signs-symptoms-what-to-do
Why Men Shut Down Instead of Talking
https://blog.mancounsellor.com.au/why-men-shut-down
When Talking Feels Like Pressure
https://blog.mancounsellor.com.au/when-talking-feels-like-pressure
Men’s Counselling in Australia: A Complete Guide
https://blog.mancounsellor.com.au/mens-counselling-in-australia-2026-complete-guide
There is no fixed deadline by which someone must be “over” a loss.
However, some people experience grief that remains persistently intense and disabling.
The World Health Organization includes prolonged grief disorder within the ICD-11 classification of mental, behavioural and neurodevelopmental disorders.
Possible warning signs include:
• Intense longing or preoccupation that remains overwhelming
• Feeling unable to accept the loss
• Persistent emotional numbness
• Avoiding nearly all reminders
• Feeling that life has no meaning
• Losing a stable sense of identity
• Being unable to return to important daily activities
• Severe loneliness or detachment
• Remaining stuck rather than gradually adapting
This is not something to diagnose by reading a checklist.
A qualified health professional should assess whether the symptoms reflect prolonged grief, depression, trauma or another condition.
The practical point is simple:
If grief continues to dominate your life and prevents you from functioning, it deserves professional attention.
There is no universal timeframe.
The duration and intensity of grief can be influenced by:
• The relationship
• The type of loss
• Whether the loss was expected
• Whether the circumstances were traumatic
• Previous losses
• Mental and physical health
• Social support
• Financial pressure
• Family conflict
• Cultural or spiritual beliefs
• Responsibilities following the loss
The aim is not necessarily to stop missing the person or erase the loss.
A healthier adjustment may mean:
• You can remember without always becoming overwhelmed
• You can return to essential routines
• You can reconnect with people
• You can experience enjoyment without guilt
• You can carry the loss while continuing to live
You may think you are:
• Crying too much
• Not crying enough
• Too angry
• Too numb
• Recovering too quickly
• Taking too long
There is no correct emotional performance.
Pay more attention to whether your response is safe and whether you can manage the essential parts of your life.
MAINTAIN BASIC PHYSICAL ROUTINESGrief can disrupt normal self-care.
Focus on:
• Regular meals
• Drinking enough water
• A consistent sleep routine where possible
• Basic hygiene
• Daylight
• Gentle physical activity
• Attending medical appointments
• Taking prescribed medications correctly
You are not trying to optimise your life.
You are trying to give your body enough stability to carry a difficult emotional load.
USE ALCOHOL CAREFULLYAlcohol can temporarily numb grief.
It can also:
• Disrupt sleep
• Increase impulsivity
• Deepen low mood
• Increase anger
• Worsen conflict
• Reduce your ability to process emotions
• Become the main way you get through the evening
Ask yourself:
“Am I having a drink, or am I relying on alcohol to avoid feeling anything?”
That distinction matters.
KEEP SOME CONNECTIONGrief may make you want to withdraw.
You do not need to socialise constantly or repeatedly explain yourself.
Try to maintain contact with at least one or two safe people.
You might say:
“I do not know what I need, but I do not want to disappear completely.”
“I do not want advice. I just need some company.”
“I am having a harder day today.”
“I may not talk much, but I would still appreciate you checking in.”
GIVE GRIEF SOME SPACEConstant avoidance can keep the pressure building.
You might:
• Look at photographs
• Write down memories
• Visit a meaningful place
• Attend a memorial
• Speak about the person
• Create a private ritual
• Write a letter you do not send
• Keep an object that matters
• Allow yourself to cry
There is no requirement to perform grief publicly.
The purpose is to acknowledge the loss rather than pretending it had no effect.
DEAL WITH PRACTICAL PROBLEMS ONE AT A TIMELoss often creates administrative pressure.
Make a simple list.
Separate it into:
• Urgent
• Important but not urgent
• Can be handled by someone else
Ask for specific help.
Instead of:
“I cannot cope with everything.”
Try:
“Can you help me call the insurer?”
“Can you bring dinner on Thursday?”
“Can you take the children for two hours?”
“Can you come with me to this appointment?”
People often want to help but do not know what would be useful.
DO NOT MAKE EVERY MAJOR DECISION IMMEDIATELYWhere possible, avoid making several irreversible decisions during the most intense period of grief.
That may include:
• Selling a home
• Ending another relationship
• Quitting work
• Relocating
• Giving away important belongings
• Making major financial commitments
Some decisions cannot wait.
But when there is no urgency, give yourself enough time and seek reliable advice.
ACCEPT MOMENTS OF RELIEFYou may laugh, enjoy a meal or have a good day.
Then guilt arrives.
Feeling better briefly does not mean you have forgotten the person or stopped caring.
Relief is not betrayal.
It is part of your mind and body recovering enough capacity to continue.
Consider speaking with a GP, counsellor or mental health professional when:
• The grief feels unmanageable
• You cannot complete normal responsibilities
• You are increasingly isolated
• Your sleep is severely disrupted
• You are barely eating or caring for yourself
• You are using alcohol or drugs heavily
• Anger is damaging your relationships
• You feel permanently numb or disconnected
• You are experiencing panic or trauma symptoms
• You feel unable to accept what happened
• The intensity is not changing over time
• You feel worthless, hopeless or like a burden
• You are thinking about death, self-harm or suicide
Healthdirect recommends seeking professional support when grief feels overwhelming or is interfering with everyday life.
You do not need to prove that your grief is severe enough.
You also do not need to wait a specific number of months before asking for help.
Counselling cannot remove what happened.
It can provide somewhere to:
• Speak honestly without protecting other people
• Understand your reactions
• Process anger, regret or guilt
• Adjust to changes in identity and routine
• Address isolation
• Develop safer coping strategies
• Prepare for difficult anniversaries or family events
• Work through unresolved relationship issues
• Recognise symptoms of depression or trauma
• Make decisions about your future
• Find a way to carry the loss without being controlled by it
Some people need counselling soon after a loss.
Others seek support months or years later when they realise they never had the opportunity to deal with what happened.
There is no expiry date on addressing grief.
HOW MAN COUNSELLOR CAN HELP
Man Counsellor provides private online counselling for men and others seeking support around men’s wellbeing, behaviour and relationships.
Counselling may help with grief connected to:
• Bereavement
• Relationship breakdown
• Separation from children
• Pregnancy or infant loss
• Job loss or retirement
• Chronic illness
• Loss of independence
• Pet loss
• Family estrangement
• Major life change
• Unresolved or delayed grief
Sessions are available by secure video or phone across Australia.
You do not need a GP referral or mental health treatment plan to book.
Book a private counselling session:
https://www.mancounsellor.com.au/
You can also access practical exercises through Man Counsellor Support Tools:
https://support.mancounsellor.com.au/
These tools can provide additional support but are not a replacement for professional care or emergency assistance.
HOW TO SUPPORT A MAN WHO IS GRIEVING
Do not assume that silence means he is coping.
Useful support may sound like:
“I have been thinking about you.”
“You do not have to talk, but I am available.”
“I can come over and sit with you.”
“Would it help if I handled dinner or drove you somewhere?”
“What is the hardest part at the moment?”
“Do you want advice, practical help or someone to listen?”
Avoid:
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “You need to move on.”
• “At least they lived a long life.”
• “You have to be strong.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.”
• “You should be over this by now.”
Do not disappear because you are worried about saying the wrong thing.
A brief, genuine message is usually better than silence.
Better Health Channel notes that family and social support can reduce poor health following bereavement and recommends asking the grieving person what support would be useful.
WHEN GRIEF BECOMES AN IMMEDIATE SAFETY ISSUE
Seek urgent support when someone:
• Says they do not want to live
• Believes others would be better off without them
• Is planning suicide or self-harm
• Cannot keep themselves safe
• Is taking serious risks because they no longer care what happens
• Is severely intoxicated while distressed
• Has stopped eating, drinking or caring for themselves
• Is behaving in a way that creates immediate danger
Ask directly:
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
Asking the question does not create the idea. It gives the person an opportunity to answer honestly.
If there is immediate danger in Australia, call Triple Zero on 000.
Lifeline provides crisis support 24 hours a day:
Phone: 13 11 14
Text: 0477 13 11 14
Online chat: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/
Do not leave the person alone while waiting for emergency or crisis support.
FINAL THOUGHT
Grief is not a problem you solve.
It is an experience you learn to carry.
That does not mean staying permanently trapped in the worst moment of the loss.
Over time, the goal is not to forget.
It is to rebuild enough stability, connection and meaning that the loss can remain part of your life without consuming all of it.
You may still miss the person.
You may still have difficult days.
You may still feel the loss years later.
But you should not have to carry every part of it alone.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
WHAT IS GRIEF?
Grief is the emotional, physical and psychological response to losing someone or something important. It may follow a death, relationship breakdown, job loss, illness, loss of independence or another major life change.
WHAT ARE THE COMMON SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF?
Common symptoms include sadness, numbness, anger, guilt, anxiety, fatigue, sleep changes, appetite changes, poor concentration, withdrawal and difficulty imagining the future.
HOW LONG DOES GRIEF LAST?
There is no standard timeframe. Grief usually changes over time, but reminders and anniversaries may continue to trigger strong emotions. Professional help may be useful when grief remains overwhelming or prevents everyday functioning.
IS ANGER A NORMAL PART OF GRIEF?
Yes. Anger may be directed at the person who died, medical professionals, family, yourself, a higher power or the situation itself. Anger becomes concerning when it leads to violence, unsafe behaviour or serious damage to relationships.
CAN GRIEF CAUSE PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS?
Yes. Grief can affect sleep, appetite, energy, muscle tension, headaches, nausea and other physical sensations. New or severe symptoms should still be medically assessed.
WHAT IS ANTICIPATORY GRIEF?
Anticipatory grief occurs before an expected loss, such as the death of someone with a terminal illness or the gradual loss of a person’s abilities through dementia.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND DEPRESSION?
Grief usually centres on a particular loss and may come in waves. Depression tends to affect most parts of life and may involve persistent hopelessness, worthlessness and loss of interest. The two can occur together.
WHAT IS PROLONGED GRIEF?
Prolonged grief involves persistent, intense grief that significantly disrupts everyday life and adaptation after a loss. It should be assessed by an appropriately qualified health professional.
DO MEN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY?
Some men express grief through anger, withdrawal, work, practical action, alcohol use or emotional shutdown rather than open sadness. Individual differences matter more than a fixed male grieving style.
WHEN SHOULD I SEE A COUNSELLOR FOR GRIEF?
Consider counselling when grief is overwhelming, affecting work or relationships, increasing alcohol or drug use, creating severe isolation or not changing over time. You can also seek support earlier simply because you do not want to handle it alone.
DO I NEED A GP REFERRAL FOR GRIEF COUNSELLING?
No. You can book private counselling with Man Counsellor without a GP referral or mental health treatment plan.
REFERENCES
Healthdirect Australia. Grief and loss – the effects of grief and how to deal with it.
https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/grief-loss
Healthdirect Australia. Understanding anticipatory grief.
https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/understanding-anticipatory-grief
Healthdirect Australia. Dealing with life events.
https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/dealing-with-life-events
Better Health Channel. Grief.
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/grief
Better Health Channel. Dealing with grief and loss.
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/dealing-with-loss-and-grief
Better Health Channel. Grief support services.
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/grief-support-services
World Health Organization. ICD-11 for Mortality and Morbidity Statistics.
https://icd.who.int/
Lifeline Australia. Crisis support and suicide prevention.
https://www.lifeline.org.au/